Nope I haven't totally forgotten about this..

Well let's see Summer of 2014 is underway, we are now into the first week of July and half this year has gone...school is out, we now have baby number three, Ben is a year old already. I am not sure where the time has gone..Matt is going into high school. I am wanting to home school him, we are currently working with a tutor. He is still very behind in learning. We are working hard to get him to where he needs to be.

 As a follow up to other posts, my friend who I wrote about before who I have been leading to Jesus well she was baptized at my church back in May. I was able to be a part of that and be the one to dunk her under. She made the commitment to follow Jesus and has been trying to get her life turned around. She surely has had her share of troubles and hard times. I have seen God really work though with her whole situation because she and her mom are now able to have a relationship, she gets to see her oldest son again, her dad is back to speaking to her and things are really getting better I think.

I call Ben my miracle baby, because before him I had a miscarriage and it was a very devastating time especially since we have had two other successful pregnancies and now they are growing boys. I have come to the understanding that the Lord has a timing that is not our own. I read something today that really hit home, from another mom's perspective who lost a preemie baby, that no matter how long the life time is it was still a lifetime rather it was a day, a few weeks or a few months that the life lived it was still a life time and I loved my baby that I carried for it's 6 weeks of life. I am still it's mom and it is still a sibling to my boys. Also the May just before Ben was born my Paw Paw Bennie passed away and Ben was born the next month is June. I have seen how God has this great cycle of life and even though I miss my paw paw I can see him every day in Ben, from his personality, to how Ben sticks out his little tongue, to the way he laughs..I will always have a piece of my paw as long as I have Ben.

a conversation today..

Today I got the opportunity to talk to my best friend about God and about being saved and how even when the end of the world comes those that are saved will be joined in Heaven with Jesus and that the world as we know it will be no more. She is very scared and worried about her kids or grand kids for when the end comes, I told her that I thought and felt that once we pass away none of that will matter and that as long as we have taught our children about God and that they are saved then they too will be in Heaven. That everything is in God's timing anyways not ours and that we shouldn't worry if we are going to trust in Him. I was able to talk to her about what it means to be saved and that when Jesus was on the cross the thief on the cross beside of him asked to be remembered and Jesus told him he would be joining Him in paradise. That it is never too late to ask for Forgiveness as long as you are still living and that whoever calls to Jesus in His name shall be saved. She said that she has seen God really work in her life esp. here recently and that she feels strongly that she needs to be back in church. She doesn't like religion because she grew up Catholic, but I am trying to teach her about the relationship not religion.  I hope to get some notes wrote down about Grace and Forgiveness and give those to her. She is still a toddler in her faith and in her walk, but she said that she told God the other day that she wanted him in all of her life not just parts of it. She has walked away from a bad relationship, found a good man that is Christian and has taken her and her son in. She realizes that if not for God she would still be stuck in the bad places and still living in motels. I am so grateful to God that he has always been there for her rather she has seen it or not and that he has protected her and I am grateful that He has allowed me and placed it on my heart to never, ever give up on her. I love her so much and I only want what is best for her and I couldn't be happier that she is finally starting to see God at work. She has been down hard roads, roads I can only Thank God I never saw other than through her and my daddy..I certainly can say that I have seen God's grace at work in her and through the life of my daddy. If any one doubts, I know for a fact that He is at work everyday and I can only say Thank You Jesus and Thank you God for sending your son to us. I just keep praying and asking God to just be with her and protecting her.

Bible study things...

Well, I realized tonight that I haven't wrote anything since December 5th..so where to begin with the past three and half months or so...I have started some new Bible study things. One being that I am using a journal to do one one a month and I started this in February and I have wrote about Prayer and am working on Grace for this month. I have learned so much from Grace, I am still struggling with prayer..I can pray privately, but to pray out loud and in groups I struggle with. Grace is something so amazing to me. God gives grace freely, it isn't something that is earned. When Jesus came to earth and went to the cross, Grace came down. I am still working on just what Grace is..I am reading What's so Amazing about Grace and I am already on Chapter Seven. I still have some other Bible studies that I am in the middle of and need to go back to working on. With me being a stay at home mom, I do find it easier to be caught up in cartoons, laundry, cleaning, organizing, and doing whatever else there is to do. I do my Bible studies at night just before bed and I am about to go to that way now. I am not sure what else I want to say tonight, so I will try to say more tomorrow.

it's been awhile...

Hi, well it's been awhile since I wrote anything. I can not believe that Christmas is upon us already. A lot has changed for us since I have wrote anything. Jason has a great job that he really seems to like and I am now a stay at home mom. Having Joshua at home is wonderful, Matt is in middle school and it is nice to have him home in the afternoons so that I can make sure he gets homework done. I know that this won't last forever because they will grow up and won't be here for me to spend that time with so I am enjoying it now. Matt is in youth group now and Jason and I both help with the youth ministry at church. I love hanging out with the youth and being able to watch them be so willing to serve others before themselves and that they teach me just as much if not more than what I teach them. We have done prayer walks, food packing for the under nourished in Uganda and other areas and so many other things and things yet to come. I have seen God really show up and it's amazing that he works through our kids as much as he does the adults. I am still learning how to have the faith and knowledge that most of those youth have. My five year old even asks me if I prayed or if I talked to God when he hears me talk about being upset over something. I usually say yes I did, but at times I find that I have been too busy to pray or felt like this is something I can do and just push God out of it. Children truly are amazing and sure can put things in perspective. I sure wish that I could still see things the way children do and things still be so innocent. I know that we grow up and mature in certain ways, but to be able to still have child like faith and things be so simple again would be wonderful indeed.

Virginity

Well where to begin..it sure has been a while...I guess for starters I am going to go into some things that I am still holding on to as far as the past and where I have been and where I want to go. Jason and I are going through some counseling and I am doing some Bible studies on my own. Through all of this here recently and esp. tonight. I have come to realize that I am holding on to A LOT still. One being my past, hurts, and regrets. I lost my virginity at 15, became a sex addict before I was 16, was almost raped twice and now find it hard to be intimate with my husband. When I lost my virginity the guy I was "seeing" was a few years older than me, I wasn't willing to be with him, but he made comments like oh, but you are hurting me, I only want to be with you or do you really want me to leave and have people saying that you didn't love me enough to be with me, there was many other things he said to me and I found out later that he had a bet with a few friends that he could convince me to be with him..I also did it because my cousin Teresa had called me one afternoon to tell me she and her boyfriend had "done it" and well I couldn't let her "out do me" I guess you could say...like it was a competition or something...I was really quite stupid. Well anyways some how or another I ended up "falling in love" so to speak with another older guy not long after this first time took place and thought he was so tough, sexy, and whatever else came to mind at the time oh and not to mention he drove. Now for a 9th grader that was HOT in itself, yep you guessed it he was a senior and yeah this should have thrown a red flag right there, but Hey I LOVED Him, right? So anyways, he and I ended up skipping school, finding places to hang out at, and well needless to say one thing leading to another and well this is what started the whole sex addition thing...he and I broke up and I started being with another guy and another guy and this guy and that guy, dated a guy that ended up being a drug addict and I got out of that situation really quick, yep this all happened before I turned 17. I was able though before meeting my next steady boyfriend that would end up being my husband, breaking away from all the different guys, and stopped having sex altogether. He and I were together several months before we ever did anything, but while I was 17 we ended up pregnant, we had Matthew by the time I was 18 and now we are married and have been going on 9 years. I highly recommend all teenagers to wait until they are married to give up their virginity and innocence. It is a very hard road to go down. Ok so anyways, that's that part of my life and past. Jason, my husband, has never let my past come between us or change the way he feels about me. I hold more of that one myself than he does. I am not proud of the things I have done and I am so thankful for a God that forgives and wipes the board clean, now if I can just to get where I do the same and have the kind of marriage and relationship that I need to have. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg so to speak, because there is a lot of other issues that I must face and deal with, but this is one big part and I know that with help, love, prayers, and God I will be OK and I pray that my pains and struggles helps others. I will post more later on, but right now I have to go to bed. Night all.

Stresses...

I wasn't sure what I wanted to say tonight, but stress comes to mind. I get stressed over so many things like money, the kids, scheduling, laundry, and well just your every day life stuff. My momma always says if you're going to worry why pray or why pray if you are going to worry. Well, I have a hard time seeing that God is relieving much of my stresses. My husband is still out of work even though he has applied with several companies and a few acting like they were very interested. He specifically wants to do ministry work and feels that God has placed that on him to do, but the doors just aren't opening up. I can say that God has certainly made sure that we have had food and money to get by on we have not gone with out. Our stresses have certainly decreased some, but the worry of the what if's still linger. I know that God provides and I am even doing a Women of Faith study guide on God's providing and multiplying. I know the story of the lady that owed the debt was told to get bottles to pour her oil into and she ran out of bottles before she did the oil. She had enough to not only sell to be able to pay her debt, but also to support her and her son as well. God has given me with job positions I would not have gone in search of myself. I work with children in an after school program and I love those kids and what I am able to do with them. I have had a few ask me about God and creation. We have been able to talk openly about Heaven and family that has passed. I hope to be doing History lessons this summer and part of that I will include biblical history and how it ties into our American history.  I want to be open and aware of what and where God wants me and I know that I still have a lot of growing spiritually to do. I do want to learn how to listen to Him more and to be more obedient. I am tired of being so stressed out all the time and being full of worry, but sometimes it's to be any different. I know that it stresses my family out when I am stressed and irritated and I really need to learn how to turn more things over to God and leave it with him not try to take it back. I guess it's just easier to say than to DO. God has provided for us and has not allowed us to just fail or fall and I do need to have the faith that he will continue to do so. We are very blessed and I am grateful for all the he gives and provides for us. I just need to work on getting rid of the stresses and giving more of them to Him. I do know that Life is too short and it is something to be enjoyed...so starting tonight I am going to start giving more of the things that worry me to Him and trusting more in Him...

What if???

What if we could go back and redo everything that we have done. What if Jason and I had chosen a different wedding date would my daddy had lived longer? Maybe not because God directed daddy's last days here on Earth. Or like if I would have chosen a different house, would I have Joshua today. If we would have moved somewhere else instead of staying in this town, would we be better off financially. What if I would have been able to have done better at my former job and stayed there for another five years, would I have gotten the promotions? What if I would have made different decisions would I have the trust and faith in God that I have now? I could go through all the what ifs, but what would be the point. I can not live in the past nor do I want to. I know that things would be very different for sure, but I know that God directs our paths and that all things happen for a reason. Am I always happy with where I am or with what my decisions have been, no, but I know that God is control and that I can make better decisions from here on out. I will trust that God is with me and will direct my path. There is a lot of decisions that we make daily are they always the best No, but I can pray about them and ask God to show me what is right. I can not change the past, but I can make my future better and know that God is in control and will be there to get through anything and everything. I am grateful for my husband, our two boys and our home that we have together. Things are perfect by any means, but we have what we need and I know that the next ten years will be very different and prayerfully better.