Grandparents

Well let's see it's been over a month since I have written anything, so I am back to writing as I have a lot on my mind. There has been a lot of things that I have been thinking of especially lately. I think I will start with today, today I got a call from my granddad, he and my grandmother live in Charlotte and I had called them about a week or so ago because I wanted to take the kids to go visit them since we don't go up there very often and I really felt like I needed to call them and let them know that I was thinking of them. I don't go visit them often because well truthfully, I am still carrying around a lot of hurt and pain from when I was younger and the fact that my daddy passed away over eight years ago and well that side of the family including them really hasn't reached out to me and I guess I felt like why should I. Well God has really placed on my heart that it's not up to them to start reaching out, but that I need to other wise it's going to be that I will feel the regrets, pains and heartache even more if I am still living and they are not then it will be too late for sure. So I made the call and when Paw called me back I learned that my grandmother had just come home from the nursing home and that they were glad to hear from me. I know that I have two boys that should be able to know who their great-grandparents are and that I need to learn how to get over the past, forgive because God forgives us and I can't get forgiveness if I too don't forgive. I miss the family events that we used to have, like birthdays, Thanksgivings, Sunday dinners, Easter egg hunts that we did when I was growing up and so many other things...when Daddy passed away every thing changed or should I say got worse and well I feel like I have been ignored and that my family really hasn't mattered to any of them. I did feel like this when I was younger too somewhat, but at least when Daddy was living I guess I felt more welcome and more a part of the family because we did do things as a whole family as I mentioned earlier, even though I got compared to a cousin and made to feel like I wasn't as good as she was, nor was I treated as fairly as the other cousins were, but that's been years ago and there again I need to move on and let the past be the past. I do have a cousin from that side of the family that talks to me through FaceBook and I am going to her wedding this summer, I pray that will bring forgiveness and open up doors for us to be a family again. I am nervous about seeing them all and how this will go, but I am putting it in God's hands letting him direct the ways. I love my grandparents so much and I am going to start now by having a better relationship with them, because I realize that the first steps begin with me. I am not saying that I haven't seen them in over eight years, because we have taken the boys up there every Christmas or so to visit and they have been great visits, but I feel like that I have been missing something from them, like a connection, and well I want to be able to connect with them and feel like a granddaughter not a stranger. We are planning to go up sometime soon, since my grandmother just came home from the nursing home I want to make sure she gets settled before we take a four year old up to visit. I also pray that it's no longer a once a year visit any more, but more often and that it's not with just the grandparents, but other family on that side and I feel that the wedding coming up will be a start. I also have a Paw Paw here in town that I need to start going to visit more often, because since my Nanny passed away nothing there has been the same and Paw Paw I know gets lonely. I really feel that I am being convicted and that God is really placing on my heart that the years are going away and that we aren't promised tomorrow, nor will I ever get this time back. My prayer is that I do move on and forgive and let go of the past. I also pray that I can at least write them a letter to say just what I feel and how much they mean to me and how sorry I am for the time lost, because well I am better at writing things then I am saying them and I can at least start over if I write then saying the words a loud. My grandmother isn't doing very well and I need to make changes today and make an effort to see them and forgive NOW because I don't have another eight years.