Virginity

Well where to begin..it sure has been a while...I guess for starters I am going to go into some things that I am still holding on to as far as the past and where I have been and where I want to go. Jason and I are going through some counseling and I am doing some Bible studies on my own. Through all of this here recently and esp. tonight. I have come to realize that I am holding on to A LOT still. One being my past, hurts, and regrets. I lost my virginity at 15, became a sex addict before I was 16, was almost raped twice and now find it hard to be intimate with my husband. When I lost my virginity the guy I was "seeing" was a few years older than me, I wasn't willing to be with him, but he made comments like oh, but you are hurting me, I only want to be with you or do you really want me to leave and have people saying that you didn't love me enough to be with me, there was many other things he said to me and I found out later that he had a bet with a few friends that he could convince me to be with him..I also did it because my cousin Teresa had called me one afternoon to tell me she and her boyfriend had "done it" and well I couldn't let her "out do me" I guess you could say...like it was a competition or something...I was really quite stupid. Well anyways some how or another I ended up "falling in love" so to speak with another older guy not long after this first time took place and thought he was so tough, sexy, and whatever else came to mind at the time oh and not to mention he drove. Now for a 9th grader that was HOT in itself, yep you guessed it he was a senior and yeah this should have thrown a red flag right there, but Hey I LOVED Him, right? So anyways, he and I ended up skipping school, finding places to hang out at, and well needless to say one thing leading to another and well this is what started the whole sex addition thing...he and I broke up and I started being with another guy and another guy and this guy and that guy, dated a guy that ended up being a drug addict and I got out of that situation really quick, yep this all happened before I turned 17. I was able though before meeting my next steady boyfriend that would end up being my husband, breaking away from all the different guys, and stopped having sex altogether. He and I were together several months before we ever did anything, but while I was 17 we ended up pregnant, we had Matthew by the time I was 18 and now we are married and have been going on 9 years. I highly recommend all teenagers to wait until they are married to give up their virginity and innocence. It is a very hard road to go down. Ok so anyways, that's that part of my life and past. Jason, my husband, has never let my past come between us or change the way he feels about me. I hold more of that one myself than he does. I am not proud of the things I have done and I am so thankful for a God that forgives and wipes the board clean, now if I can just to get where I do the same and have the kind of marriage and relationship that I need to have. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg so to speak, because there is a lot of other issues that I must face and deal with, but this is one big part and I know that with help, love, prayers, and God I will be OK and I pray that my pains and struggles helps others. I will post more later on, but right now I have to go to bed. Night all.