it's been awhile...

Hi, well it's been awhile since I wrote anything. I can not believe that Christmas is upon us already. A lot has changed for us since I have wrote anything. Jason has a great job that he really seems to like and I am now a stay at home mom. Having Joshua at home is wonderful, Matt is in middle school and it is nice to have him home in the afternoons so that I can make sure he gets homework done. I know that this won't last forever because they will grow up and won't be here for me to spend that time with so I am enjoying it now. Matt is in youth group now and Jason and I both help with the youth ministry at church. I love hanging out with the youth and being able to watch them be so willing to serve others before themselves and that they teach me just as much if not more than what I teach them. We have done prayer walks, food packing for the under nourished in Uganda and other areas and so many other things and things yet to come. I have seen God really show up and it's amazing that he works through our kids as much as he does the adults. I am still learning how to have the faith and knowledge that most of those youth have. My five year old even asks me if I prayed or if I talked to God when he hears me talk about being upset over something. I usually say yes I did, but at times I find that I have been too busy to pray or felt like this is something I can do and just push God out of it. Children truly are amazing and sure can put things in perspective. I sure wish that I could still see things the way children do and things still be so innocent. I know that we grow up and mature in certain ways, but to be able to still have child like faith and things be so simple again would be wonderful indeed.

Virginity

Well where to begin..it sure has been a while...I guess for starters I am going to go into some things that I am still holding on to as far as the past and where I have been and where I want to go. Jason and I are going through some counseling and I am doing some Bible studies on my own. Through all of this here recently and esp. tonight. I have come to realize that I am holding on to A LOT still. One being my past, hurts, and regrets. I lost my virginity at 15, became a sex addict before I was 16, was almost raped twice and now find it hard to be intimate with my husband. When I lost my virginity the guy I was "seeing" was a few years older than me, I wasn't willing to be with him, but he made comments like oh, but you are hurting me, I only want to be with you or do you really want me to leave and have people saying that you didn't love me enough to be with me, there was many other things he said to me and I found out later that he had a bet with a few friends that he could convince me to be with him..I also did it because my cousin Teresa had called me one afternoon to tell me she and her boyfriend had "done it" and well I couldn't let her "out do me" I guess you could say...like it was a competition or something...I was really quite stupid. Well anyways some how or another I ended up "falling in love" so to speak with another older guy not long after this first time took place and thought he was so tough, sexy, and whatever else came to mind at the time oh and not to mention he drove. Now for a 9th grader that was HOT in itself, yep you guessed it he was a senior and yeah this should have thrown a red flag right there, but Hey I LOVED Him, right? So anyways, he and I ended up skipping school, finding places to hang out at, and well needless to say one thing leading to another and well this is what started the whole sex addition thing...he and I broke up and I started being with another guy and another guy and this guy and that guy, dated a guy that ended up being a drug addict and I got out of that situation really quick, yep this all happened before I turned 17. I was able though before meeting my next steady boyfriend that would end up being my husband, breaking away from all the different guys, and stopped having sex altogether. He and I were together several months before we ever did anything, but while I was 17 we ended up pregnant, we had Matthew by the time I was 18 and now we are married and have been going on 9 years. I highly recommend all teenagers to wait until they are married to give up their virginity and innocence. It is a very hard road to go down. Ok so anyways, that's that part of my life and past. Jason, my husband, has never let my past come between us or change the way he feels about me. I hold more of that one myself than he does. I am not proud of the things I have done and I am so thankful for a God that forgives and wipes the board clean, now if I can just to get where I do the same and have the kind of marriage and relationship that I need to have. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg so to speak, because there is a lot of other issues that I must face and deal with, but this is one big part and I know that with help, love, prayers, and God I will be OK and I pray that my pains and struggles helps others. I will post more later on, but right now I have to go to bed. Night all.

Stresses...

I wasn't sure what I wanted to say tonight, but stress comes to mind. I get stressed over so many things like money, the kids, scheduling, laundry, and well just your every day life stuff. My momma always says if you're going to worry why pray or why pray if you are going to worry. Well, I have a hard time seeing that God is relieving much of my stresses. My husband is still out of work even though he has applied with several companies and a few acting like they were very interested. He specifically wants to do ministry work and feels that God has placed that on him to do, but the doors just aren't opening up. I can say that God has certainly made sure that we have had food and money to get by on we have not gone with out. Our stresses have certainly decreased some, but the worry of the what if's still linger. I know that God provides and I am even doing a Women of Faith study guide on God's providing and multiplying. I know the story of the lady that owed the debt was told to get bottles to pour her oil into and she ran out of bottles before she did the oil. She had enough to not only sell to be able to pay her debt, but also to support her and her son as well. God has given me with job positions I would not have gone in search of myself. I work with children in an after school program and I love those kids and what I am able to do with them. I have had a few ask me about God and creation. We have been able to talk openly about Heaven and family that has passed. I hope to be doing History lessons this summer and part of that I will include biblical history and how it ties into our American history.  I want to be open and aware of what and where God wants me and I know that I still have a lot of growing spiritually to do. I do want to learn how to listen to Him more and to be more obedient. I am tired of being so stressed out all the time and being full of worry, but sometimes it's to be any different. I know that it stresses my family out when I am stressed and irritated and I really need to learn how to turn more things over to God and leave it with him not try to take it back. I guess it's just easier to say than to DO. God has provided for us and has not allowed us to just fail or fall and I do need to have the faith that he will continue to do so. We are very blessed and I am grateful for all the he gives and provides for us. I just need to work on getting rid of the stresses and giving more of them to Him. I do know that Life is too short and it is something to be enjoyed...so starting tonight I am going to start giving more of the things that worry me to Him and trusting more in Him...

What if???

What if we could go back and redo everything that we have done. What if Jason and I had chosen a different wedding date would my daddy had lived longer? Maybe not because God directed daddy's last days here on Earth. Or like if I would have chosen a different house, would I have Joshua today. If we would have moved somewhere else instead of staying in this town, would we be better off financially. What if I would have been able to have done better at my former job and stayed there for another five years, would I have gotten the promotions? What if I would have made different decisions would I have the trust and faith in God that I have now? I could go through all the what ifs, but what would be the point. I can not live in the past nor do I want to. I know that things would be very different for sure, but I know that God directs our paths and that all things happen for a reason. Am I always happy with where I am or with what my decisions have been, no, but I know that God is control and that I can make better decisions from here on out. I will trust that God is with me and will direct my path. There is a lot of decisions that we make daily are they always the best No, but I can pray about them and ask God to show me what is right. I can not change the past, but I can make my future better and know that God is in control and will be there to get through anything and everything. I am grateful for my husband, our two boys and our home that we have together. Things are perfect by any means, but we have what we need and I know that the next ten years will be very different and prayerfully better.

Grandparents

Well let's see it's been over a month since I have written anything, so I am back to writing as I have a lot on my mind. There has been a lot of things that I have been thinking of especially lately. I think I will start with today, today I got a call from my granddad, he and my grandmother live in Charlotte and I had called them about a week or so ago because I wanted to take the kids to go visit them since we don't go up there very often and I really felt like I needed to call them and let them know that I was thinking of them. I don't go visit them often because well truthfully, I am still carrying around a lot of hurt and pain from when I was younger and the fact that my daddy passed away over eight years ago and well that side of the family including them really hasn't reached out to me and I guess I felt like why should I. Well God has really placed on my heart that it's not up to them to start reaching out, but that I need to other wise it's going to be that I will feel the regrets, pains and heartache even more if I am still living and they are not then it will be too late for sure. So I made the call and when Paw called me back I learned that my grandmother had just come home from the nursing home and that they were glad to hear from me. I know that I have two boys that should be able to know who their great-grandparents are and that I need to learn how to get over the past, forgive because God forgives us and I can't get forgiveness if I too don't forgive. I miss the family events that we used to have, like birthdays, Thanksgivings, Sunday dinners, Easter egg hunts that we did when I was growing up and so many other things...when Daddy passed away every thing changed or should I say got worse and well I feel like I have been ignored and that my family really hasn't mattered to any of them. I did feel like this when I was younger too somewhat, but at least when Daddy was living I guess I felt more welcome and more a part of the family because we did do things as a whole family as I mentioned earlier, even though I got compared to a cousin and made to feel like I wasn't as good as she was, nor was I treated as fairly as the other cousins were, but that's been years ago and there again I need to move on and let the past be the past. I do have a cousin from that side of the family that talks to me through FaceBook and I am going to her wedding this summer, I pray that will bring forgiveness and open up doors for us to be a family again. I am nervous about seeing them all and how this will go, but I am putting it in God's hands letting him direct the ways. I love my grandparents so much and I am going to start now by having a better relationship with them, because I realize that the first steps begin with me. I am not saying that I haven't seen them in over eight years, because we have taken the boys up there every Christmas or so to visit and they have been great visits, but I feel like that I have been missing something from them, like a connection, and well I want to be able to connect with them and feel like a granddaughter not a stranger. We are planning to go up sometime soon, since my grandmother just came home from the nursing home I want to make sure she gets settled before we take a four year old up to visit. I also pray that it's no longer a once a year visit any more, but more often and that it's not with just the grandparents, but other family on that side and I feel that the wedding coming up will be a start. I also have a Paw Paw here in town that I need to start going to visit more often, because since my Nanny passed away nothing there has been the same and Paw Paw I know gets lonely. I really feel that I am being convicted and that God is really placing on my heart that the years are going away and that we aren't promised tomorrow, nor will I ever get this time back. My prayer is that I do move on and forgive and let go of the past. I also pray that I can at least write them a letter to say just what I feel and how much they mean to me and how sorry I am for the time lost, because well I am better at writing things then I am saying them and I can at least start over if I write then saying the words a loud. My grandmother isn't doing very well and I need to make changes today and make an effort to see them and forgive NOW because I don't have another eight years.

Somethings...

Somethings that I have been thinking about are what I am so Thankful for. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful family. I have the most beautiful four year old little boy that God granted us with and one great eleven year old. I really need to learn to tell them both that more often. My husband is truly sent from God to be able to deal with me and all of the craziness. I am thankful that we have a home although it may not be all that I envision or all that I would like to have I know that God has provided it for us and that it is not permanent, we can move when that time arrives and I know that life here on Earth is not forever either. I am so thankful for the life that God has blessed me with. I am very thankful that I lived through the wreck I had about 7 years ago...I had '99 Chevy Cavalier that I totaled in November. We had only been in our house a month and my momma had just paid the car off for me. I lost control and ended up flipping it. I have a large scare on my left arm from where my arm was pinned between the road and the car door. My head hit the door window hard enough to knock out the window and during a flip my arm ended up out the window. There had to be an angel with my for me to have gotten out of that wreck with not just my life, but no broken bones. The car was certainly broken though...and I have scars that will be with me for the rest of my life on earth. I had to have skin graphs done to be able to fix the wound that I had. I have learned though that, that cars are replaceable, think I didn't fully comprehend that before. I survived the wreck and so many other things and I know that God is good and faithful and even though not all of can survive certain accidents and all the things that life throws our way God is always in control and he ultimately decides what we survive here on Earth and if it's our time it's just our time no matter what we here on Earth may want. Not sure what else I want to say, but I am sure by tomorrow more things will come to me and I'll have a lot more to say then.

Love

Everything that God is, is Love, even if we don't always see it that way. We love because it's the greatest thing that God gave us. If he didn't love us he would not have sent his only son to Die on a Cross for us and he died for ALL of us. I love my husband and the boys. My parents loved each other or else I wouldn't be here. My daddy loved me no matter what mistakes I made and I loved him even through his drinking. My mom and I didn't always like each other, but we've always loved each other no matter what the situation. I am so very thankful to have her and the wonderful step-dad that God has blessed me with. I also didn't understand at first why God took my daddy from this earth, but I know it was because his love for him was greater than any earthly love I could have ever had for him. Daddy loved Jason, Matt and I so very much and I am grateful that he was at my wedding, he could see Matt and was able more than anything to be saved by God so that he could enter into the gates of Heaven. Jason and I love each other or else we wouldn't be where we are today, after a pregnancy in high school, a wreck that almost took my life, and all the other things we have gone through...we LOVE each other.  Jason and I have certainly been loved by our church families over the years, some that we no longer get to really see or spend time with, but we know that they love us and we still certainly love them. We have a wonderful Sunday school class that we have been a part of for a few years now and we know we are loved by them and I must say that we love them too. Love is something that you can't see, but we can feel and we know it is there..through actions, words, letters, cards, hugs, tears, kisses, and even death..do we know that love exists...

What By God's Graces means....

I am starting this blog as a testament to my life and how I have been saved and blessed by God despite the fact that I still sin and am no where near perfect. I have gone through quite a lot in the 30 years I have been a live and I feel that God wants me to share most of what I have learned and have come through. I am not some goody, goody, Church going girl that never does anything wrong so please don't get that in your mind that "oh great, she's going to be preaching to me...I get enough of that from everyone else." I am not going to do that. This is just my testament of how I have over come things in my life and what God has done for me through the years and that his love is truly amazing and that you have to have Faith and Believe. I want to be able to do some Bible Studies on here and be able to help others grow in Faith as well as myself as I know I am speaking just as much to me as I am anyone else. I hope that if you have questions or want to know more that you will contact me and I will even try to get some of the questions up on here kinda like a message board I guess you could say. As I mentioned in my about me section, I am a mother of two, both boys ages eleven and four. Jason and I had Matt in the Spring of '99, my senior year of High School. Yes, I graduated and yes, I walked the stage. Went my whole senior year pregnant, but I manged it. There has been so much take place between High School and what has become today. I actually want to take the time to go back to before I ever met Jason, who is my husband, and give you the inside to my life growing up and just what is so amazing about Grace and God's love and timing...I will go into that more later on. God's Graces is just that, his Grace and Mercy will see you through anything and everything that life can throw your way. God spared my life when I could have died, gave me a wonderful family that I didn't think I would ever really have or deserve; my husband is the best and I know God gave him to me, The Lord saved my Daddy from alcohol and drug addiction, He gave me a wonderful step-dad who I now call Dad, a house and a job that I love. So here's to God's Graces and I pray that you will continue to come back and us grow together in Faith, Love and just how Awesome God really is...Thanks for coming by.